Isolation and Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse causes so much bullshit to seep into the survivors life. Many of us kept our abuse a secret and as such, have some pretty unpleasant character traits that began as survival mechanisms and are now just fucked up habits. I'm saddened and amused at the ways that my own family has perpetuated and reinforced my feelings of inadequacy.

My sister is a butt hole to me. My parents of course do nothing because we're both adults. I just have to learn to accept that I'm not invited to my nephews and nieces birthdays. I have to learn to accept that I'm not welcome at my sisters house because she's together and I'm not. I have to pretend that everything is just happy fucking dorey at holidays and family gatherings because I deserve being the outcast. Now, my gifts are required for said nephews and nieces, I'm just not supposed to call them to wish them a happy birthday or attend their parties. My ass had also better make sure that I do for them at Christmas. My kids? They don't get gifts from my sister because they aren't real family. Her words, not mine. Never mind the fact that my kids have been part of this family for longer than hers...they aren't real family.

What the fuck does that mean? In my mind, real family doesn't use someone's pain and insecurity as a way to build themselves up. Real family shouldn't think it okay to spread gossip and rumors regarding other family members. Real family should love each other. Gee, I guess that I'm not part of a real family cause last time I looked, my fucked up family has a lot of fun and hours of pathetic discussions regarding her. I have a name. I also have feelings even if I never let any of you see them.

I'm sitting here wondering why I even bother? It certainly isn't because I get anything out of this. I come home and cry after each family gathering. I cry because I never asked for any of this. All I have ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. I want to be part of. Silly girl, that is simply not happening.

I don't know what, if anything, I should do. The thing that would be best for me is to cut ties and just be done. Then I think about my nephews and nieces and tell myself that they didn't ask to have a Mom and an Aunt who still pull hair. I tell myself that they don't deserve to suffer because I think their Mommy is a giant cunt and their Mommy thinks I'm a certifiable, lying piece of trash. The truth is that they would never miss me. I've not been allowed to participate in their lives. They don't know me and I don't know them. I doubt seriously that I'm as important to them as they are to me.

And there you have it. My pity party for the day.